Dear Donald Trump. A letter from the Southern bottom of our 'shithole'

2018-01-16 11:30 - Anje Rautenbach
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Anje Rautenbach

If you don’t know by now that Trump has allegedly said something silly again, and rather shockingly cruel, AGAIN, then you’ve probably been living under a rock in a “shithole” country.

According to the Trump Dictionary (published on 20 January 2017), a “shithole” country is a term used to refer to countries such as Haiti and in continents like Africa. “Shithole” translates to an extremely dirty, shabby, or otherwise unpleasant place.

Dear Donald Trump

Geez, thanks D-man. That’s nice. Do you need a bar of soap to wash that word down with?

Apologies for writing this letter so late. I’ve been enjoying the reactions from my fellow countrymen and women to your shitty comment way too much. And with you the laughter never stops - I was barely recovering from your “stable genius” tweet and then wam, bam, grab a pussycat mam, you moved on to the “shithole” one so quickly. 

Oh yes, sorry, you allegedly used the term “shithole countries.” Oops. Forgot. Jammer oom.

ALSO SEE: WATCH: Namibia hilarious burn on Trump's 'shithole countries'

I can assure you that our shithole here in the south of the shithole continent that is Africa, is certainly not unpleasant, in fact, it is not too shabby at all.

Did you know that Cape Town was voted as the world’s best city?

Sorry Donnie, you probably won’t understand our shithole language. What works for you, Shithole Cape Town? Cape Town Shithole? Or is it Cape Shithole Town? 

Here are a few more facts for you. We see your one shithole and raise you another shithole. 

Did you know in the 2017 World Travel Awards, South Africa’s Saxon Hotel Villas and Spa was voted as the World’s Leading Boutique Hotel? 

Ja, that’s right. And it was not voted the Shithole’s Leading Boutique Hotel, it was voted the best boutique hotel in the WORLD! 

And there’s more Donnie, let’s call it “Keeping up with the Shitholes.” 

Seriously, who needs Hollywood when you have Donald Trump?

To name a few there were:

World’s Leading Beach Resort: Andilana Beach Resort, Madagascar.

World's Leading Luxury Private Villa: Villa iZulu, South Africa.

World's Leading Exclusive Private Island: Thanda Island, Tanzania.

World’s Leading Boutique Cruise: Zambezi Queen.

Congratulations to American Cruise Lines for winning World's Leading Small Ships Cruise Line.

And then of course, other shitholes excelled as well. Asia is all over the place with Singapore Airlines winning the title of World’s Leading Airline. Not sure how you feel about Singapore and the rest of Asia? Are those countries okay? Are those countries a shithole as deep as the African shithole according to the Trump Dictionary? Is the shithole definition related to race, culture, location or religion? 

ALSO SEE: Airbnb 'to spend $100k to promote shithole' countries after Trump controversy

So you would rather want people from Norway, a non-shithole country according to you, to immigrate to the United States? Would they come though? Did you know that with Norway’s maternity (and paternity) leave, mothers can take 35 weeks at full pay or 45 weeks at 80% pay, and fathers can take between zero and 10 weeks depending on their wives' income? 

But new mothers in your neck of the woods are entitled to less than three weeks off at an average full wage rate under the Donald Trump's family leave plan.

No man, Donnie, don’t be baby now. You should learn how to share things. Play nice.

I also think the Norwegians are quite happy where they are Donnie. Sure their sun shines at weird hours, but they have 240 000 islands, Northern lights, 1000 lakes and they are not only one of the world’s 10 happiest countries, they are THE happiest country in the world.

Your country did not make the happy list in 2017 Donnie, but we’re all keeping thumbs for 2020. Rumour has it that Oprah will run for president… “you get a president, and you get a president and you get a president.”

Oprah loves our South African Shithole by the way. During her one-day conference in South Africa she said, “I love South Africa… I should be an official citizen”.

We won’t mind having her as a permanent citizen but I think she will play an integral part in your plan to make America great again.

But let’s get back to the shithole that is Africa.

Did you know that Ethiopia was the fastest-growing economy in 2017? And no! They don’t want any Trump Towers, they have these cool WarkaWater Towers that use condensation to collect drinking water. 

Did you know that four South Africans have won the Nobel Peace Prize? 

Did you know that the ‘i’ in Namibia is not silent? 

Did you know that there are between 1500 and 2000 languages in Africa? Can you just imagine the different sounds coming from the speakers of these languages when they hear that you are referring to their continent as a shithole? And I don’t think they will say “I love you” (just a wild guess).

But you are a “stable genius”, you’ll figure it out right?

Donnie, just to be clear, we are laughing now – you are a funny man – but if you call South Africa and the rest of Africa, or any other country for that matter, a shithole again and we will press OUR nuclear button which is connected to that white porcelain bowl (a.k.a shithole) in the white house. It’s 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA right? Expect a post card. Or a skid mark.

And one last thing, please, an ellipsis only has 3 dots. Go be a stable genius and stop using 4 or more dots. 

Okay thanks bye.

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