An Idiot’s Guide on How to Behave on a Game Drive

2016-09-13 13:30 - Anje Rautenbach
Post a comment 0

In South Africa we have no shortage of wildlife; snakes, birds, predators, politicians, malaria, small game and big game; you name it, we have it. All over our country, dotted on our maps, there are blobs of green showing off our National Parks, reserves and private game lodges.

Like birds of a feather foreign tourists flock together in army-green game viewing vehicles with binoculars dangling around their necks, broad-brimmed khaki hats and white blotches of sunscreen while the local visitors are self-driving in shiny mud-sprayed 4x4s kitted with chrome spades, fancy gadgets and gigantic zoom lenses.

Day in and day out rangers, guides and drivers have to deal with visitors; they have to deal with questions, obnoxious comments and more often they have to remain calm while dealing with logically-challenged guests, the ones disobeying every last rule, ignoring rational reasoning and playing dumb and dumberer.

'Biological name of the logically-challenged guests is homo idioticus sapiens'

The biological name of the logically-challenged guests is homo idioticus sapiens and together as a group they are collectively referred to as a bunch of idiots.

Extensive qualitative research over the past few years by a team of highly-trained professional observers has shown that the majority of the homo idioticus sapiens is perceived as literate but after careful analysis it was discovered that they are in fact illiterate, motivating the presence of the common problem of adhering to rules and authority.

The statistics which stemmed from the research shocked the observers even more as it became evident that the majority of homo idioticus sapiens is indigenous to the land originating from Southern Africa and contrary to popular belief, not representing foreign locations.

The research was conducted in various fields all over South Africa to gain an understanding of underlying reason, opinions and motivations to provide insights into the problem. 

'Arrogance, selfishness, a sense of entitlement and a desire to outperform photographically' 

The observers came to the conclusion that arrogance, selfishness, a sense of entitlement and a desire to outperform photographically as well as digitally were the driving factors behind the rude behaviour and disrespectful attitude of the homo idioticus sapiens, commonly known as idiots.

The observers compiled their research in an easy-to-follow guide which can be handed over to any homo idioticus sapiens, but due to illiteracy the suggested method of delivering the guide should involve a hefty fine.

Please take note that talking to homo idioticus sapiens will often inspire the species to get involved in unsupported arguments with harsh unnecessary words. According to the observers’ experience it is best to not reciprocate with harsh words, but rather continue to convey the message verbally in a calm manner.

All law-abiding visitors are encouraged to share this guide with idiots on or before game drives.

An Idiot’s Guide on How to Behave on a Game Drive:

You are now entering an area with wild animals, please keep in mind that you are in their territory and that they are not tame or cartoon characters – some have big teeth and big feet, animals can be very temperamental.

If you are an idiot not obeying the listed rules, please try to unidiot yourself. It is not painful. All you have to do is, listen.

1. DO NOT get out of your car.

2. DO NOT sit on the roof, the bonnet or in the window.

3. DO NOT feed the animals.

4. DO NOT get out of your car.

5. DO NOT litter. Keep your trash to yourself.

6. DO NOT drive like a maniac. Adhere to the speed limit.

7. DO NOT get out of your car.

8. DO NOT attempt to pick flowers.

9. DO NOT attempt to touch any animal.

10. DO NOT get out of your car.

11. DO NOT stop in the middle of the road, stay on your side.

12. DO NOT obstruct or block a sighting, the flow of traffic or an animal.

13. DO NOT chase an animal.

14. DO NOT be selfish. This is not about you at all. This is not your territory.

15. DO NOT be loud. Inside voice, good. Outside party voice, bad.

16. DO NOT disturb the animals.

17. DO NOT get out of your car.

18. DO NOT drive off the marked path.

19. DO NOT take your children on a game drive if they can’t behave.

20. DO NOT upload photos of endangered animals to social media. 

21. And bonus tip: DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR CAR, IDIOT!

Anje Rautenbach is the writer behind the blog Going Somewhere Slowly, find her Facebook,Twitter  or on Instagram!

What to read to next on Traveller24:

- What happened to travellers' inside voices!?

Head to the spa, just for the hell of it…